You know the sensation of walking into Trader Joe's and instantly feeling disoriented because you don't know whether to start with the produce or the snack section? Same. If TJ's has your head spinning with thoughts of roasted plantain chips and dark chocolate ganache mini sheet cake, then look no further. Here's what Trader Joe's product you should buy, based on your zodiac sign.
It doesn't matter what your taste buds are after — you can find what you need at Joe's. He's got something special in store for everyone, whether you want a sweet treat or a salty snack or shrimp tempura that will change your life. I'm not kidding. Joe's frozen shrimp tempura is a revelation and you'll want to eat it every day for the rest of your life.
And we haven't even gotten into Joe's seasonal delights. The dark chocolate covered peppermint cremes are unlike anything you've ever tasted. The pumpkin pie spice cookie butter will make you feel like a new person.
I feel like I'm getting off topic now, but my God, the pumpkin pie spice cookie butter. I once ate it for all three meals, and I have no problem admitting it.
Anywho...
Make your Trader Joe's shopping trip a little easier by finding the perfect purchase for your zodiac sign.
1. Aries
Aries is energetic but like most people, needs a little pick-me-up around the middle of the day. Joe's seasonal Coconut Cold Brew Coffee Concentrate is packed with flavor and 50% less acidic than hot-brewed coffee. Add water, milk, or a non-dairy beverage that you enjoy — like almond milk or cashew milk. Boom. Money.
2. Taurus
Taurus wants something decadent, and nothing is more decadent than chocolate. Joe's chocolate covered pretzels are the perfect combination of sweet and salty, and they make an excellent snack or post-dinner treat.
3. Gemini
Gemini is curious and always on the hunt for something new and interesting. Bloody Mary Salsa is just what you're looking for. It's actually made "sour pickling brine and nose-tingling horseradish, along with red jalapeño peppers and green chile peppers for heat" on top of its tomato base, giving it the kick of a Bloody Mary with the vodka.
4. Cancer
Cancer perhaps has the best imagination out of all the zodiac signs, so they want a TJ's product that's unique and original. Joe's Organic Cold Brewed Hibiscus Tea & Lemonade Beverage fits the bill. The tea is the more overpowering of the two flavors, and there's just a hint of lemonade. It's refreshing and invigorating, and you'll probably fall in love with it.
5. Leo
Leo is indulgent and looking for something sweet and satisfying. Trader Joe's Peanut Butter Blondies are sweet yet salty, crunchy yet chewy, and 100% amazing. You can find them with the frozen foods. All you do is thaw, serve, and devour.
6. Virgo
You're practical and logical, Virgo. You want the essentials and that's it. Joe's Omega Trek Mix is made with walnuts, almonds, pecans, pistachios, and pepitas, plus dried crannies. It'll keep you satiated and energized no matter what life throws at you.
7. Libra
Libra is a social butterfly, so they need something they can enjoy with their many friends. Try Lemon Peal! The slightly fizzy lemony drink will give you a nice buzz, keep you cool, and make for good conversation for you and your buddies.
8. Scorpio
Scorpio is sensible and no-nonsense. They want a simple snack that's nutritious and delicious. Trader Joe's Organic Carrots of Many Colors contain just two ingredients and are amazingly crispy and crunchy and just a touch salty.
9. Sagittarius
You're an adventurous one, Sagittarius, and Trader Joe's Jalapeño Sauce is possibly perfect for you. The recipe is more than 50% jalapeños, so this stuff carries a serious kick. Warm up the firehose — you might need it.
10. Capricorn
Capricorn is the culinary expert of the zodiac, so it's going to take something a little more #extra to please them. The Ricotta & Lemon Zest Ravioli will do the trick. They're stuffed with fresh ricotta, legit Sicilian lemon zest, butter, salt, and breadcrumbs, and you guys? They're in the shape of sunflowers.
11. Aquarius
Aquarius craves something original and exciting. A regular burger won't cut it — not this time. Instead, opt for Joe's Quinoa Cowboy Veggie Burgers. Joe makes them with a combination of quinoa, black beans, corn, and red peppers, making for tons of flavor in each and every bite.
12. Pisces
You're very in touch with your feelings, Pisces, and nothing pleases you like a deep heart-to-heart conversation with your bestie. Do it over a box of Soft Baked Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies. Bask in the winning combo of peanut butter, dry roasted peanuts, and peanut oil for the ultimate PB-based treat, and let the feelings flow.
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